Blessing #18

Time.

While on a walk the other night, one of my favorite instrumental songs, "Time" (from the Inception soundtrack), began to play on my iPod. Time has been on my mind a great deal recently and as I walked around my neighborhood, I began to really contemplate the concept of time. I feel most would agree that time can be considered both a blessing and a curse depending on the circumstances that may be occurring at any given point in our lives. While in wait for something desirable, one would likely say that time isn't anything but agonizing. Think of the poor children in the marshmallow experiment President Uchtdorf referenced in a past talk, for instance (watch here). Conversely, however, how often do we beg for more time in a day? I think I do that every day...ha ha. We don't want to wait for things, yet we also seldom feel we have enough time to accomplish everything we'd like to accomplish. Why is this? Why can't we find contentment in time? 

Elder Neal A. Maxwell addressed this very conundrum in a book I've been reading lately. He wrote, "Time is clearly not our natural dimension. Thus it is that we are never really at home in time. Alternately, we find ourselves wishing to hasten the passage of time or to hold back the dawn. We can do neither, of course, but whereas the fish is at home in water, we are clearly not at home in time—because we belong to eternity. Time, as much as any one thing, whispers to us that we are strangers here." 

Let me just reiterate, "Time is clearly not our natural dimension." I honestly don't feel I have really deeply considered this before. Time is temporal, not spiritual. This is what allows God to be omniscient and omnipresent. The past, present, and future are not separate before God. Now, although I may not be at home in time, it's also extremely difficult to comprehend living in a world without time. I don't even know what that would look like. Everything in my life revolves around time. Time tells me when I should wake up in the morning, when I should be at work, when I should leave work, when the weekend is near, when my birthday will arrive, when I will need an oil change, when my milk will go bad...you get the idea. I even spend a good portion of my workday teaching kids the concepts of past, present, and future. What would life be like if time was not a part of the package? I really can't comprehend it. 

This led me to wonder though, if time is not our natural dimension, why must we live in a world that is so dependent on time? As I've considered and studied this, I've started to realize that time is a blessing I probably too often overlook. I read a book a while back by C.S. Lewis called The Great Divorce. If you've read anything by C.S. Lewis, you'll know it was a pretty thought-provoking read. But I remembered that near the end of the book, the concept of time was addressed very directly. I'd like to share a quote from that book below: 

"Time is the very lens through which ye see—small and clear, as men see through the wrong end of a telescope—something that would otherwise be too big for ye to see at all. That thing is Freedom: the gift whereby ye most resemble your Maker and are yourselves parts of eternal reality....For every attempt to see the shape of eternity except through the lens of Time destroys your knowledge of Freedom." 

Now Mormon lingo would substitute "agency" for "freedom" in that quote. Our knowledge of agency would be destroyed if time did not exist. Why is this? Well, if we already knew the end from the beginning, we wouldn't feel we'd been given the opportunity to make choices at all. A choice in and of itself is making a decision without knowing the outcome or consequences of that decision. So if we didn't feel we were actually the ones making the decisions, in Elder Bednar's words, we would feel as if we were "objects" rather than "agents". This is why I think it's tempting for us to blame God at times for our circumstances. We know God is all-knowing. We know he knows what will happen in the future. So why doesn't he protect us from the things that go wrong in our lives? Or why doesn't he give us desired blessings when we ask for them? He is the one in control. ....Right? 

If you're like me, you've asked those questions or similar questions on occasion and if you're also like me, you've just had an epiphany. God is not in control of my life or yours. It's true that he knows what will happen in our lives, but we are ultimately in control of our own destinies, both temporally and spiritually, because we are the ones making the decisions. And while this can be an overwhelming responsibility at times, agency is the very thing that allows us to progress and be like God. He isn't in control of our lives; we are. Yes, things happen to us that we may feel are unfair, but this also means God does not cause those things to happen. The agency of others may be to blame. The natural elements may be to blame. But not God. God gives us control over our choices, as well as control over our reactions to our circumstances...and he is able to do this because of the "lens" of time. 

This knowledge should allow us to see God as a merciful Father in Heaven who supplies us with tools for our success (e.g. commandments, scriptures, patriarchal blessings, prophets, etc.), but also provides a way to return to him even after we make mistakes (i.e. the Atonement). The knowledge that God is that merciful Father in Heaven should also increase our faith. While we may not know what will happen in the future (and we don't want to because we want to be agents), our Father does. And as long as we are doing our very best with what we've been given, we will be blessed; if not in this world, then in the world to come. 

Time is a blessing. It's a gift. Not only does it provide a means for agency to exist, but it also leads to the development of Godlike attributes. Time is what creates opportunities to develop humility, trust, patience, our talents, obedience, charity, love, diligence, intelligence, wisdom, etc. Without time, how could we ever hope to become like God? While it's easy to feel dissatisfied with the endless, yet transient nature of time, I'm grateful for this supernal gift as it is time itself (and what I choose to do with it) that will shape my eternal destiny.

Blessing #17

"Miss A, is God real?"

This question was asked of me by a first grade boy during the final week of school in May. It was actually said more like, "Miss A, is Dod real?" as he substitutes the /d/ sound for the /g/ sound...it's called "fronting" if you're interested in the speech therapy term for the error. But anyway, I digress.... :) This moment came to my mind repeatedly today while at church and I sat pondering this sweet boy's thoughtful and sincere inquiry during most of Relief Society. Working in a public school, I am obviously not supposed to mix my religion with my work so I quickly answered his question in a way I thought would be appropriate and tried to change the subject, "I believe God is real, but I think you should ask your mom that same question. Let's start working on our speech sounds." 

As I was reminded of that somewhat uncomfortable moment today, I couldn't help but hope that he did ask his mom and that he did find an answer that relieved any distress he felt about such a serious and controversial subject. As it was Father's Day today, I was feeling an immense sense of gratitude not only for my earthly father, but also for my Heavenly Father...who is God...and who I definitely believe is real. Many of my students don't have fathers in their homes. And not everyone has an earthly father that they love or admire. I hope and pray that anyone seeking such a father will find their way to that perfect, heavenly being who is our Father in Heaven. 

Fathers represent blessing #17 for me tonight. Fathers come in all forms. There are many men in my life that I admire. My earthly father has been the ultimate example though. He has been my rock in every way. He is a perfect example of someone who honors his priesthood. He is kind and always beyond willing to serve those around him. He wants to please others before himself and while that's frustrating for me at times (like when I want to eat at a restaurant HE chooses and he won't tell me where he wants to eat because he wants to eat where I want to eat), it is a quality I certainly admire. :) 

My dad is a strength to me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. He has provided for my needs, competed with me in basketball, scraped my windshield on snowy mornings, talked me through my emotional/girly moments, and has taught me not to dwell on things I can't control. He has studied the gospel all his life through personal study and through his career and I see his testimony in the way he lives his life, which has inspired me to gain a testimony of my own. How grateful I am for the stability and safety I have experienced in my life due to this great man. As James E. Faust stated, "Noble fatherhood gives us a glimpse of the divine attributes of our Father in Heaven." Happy Father's Day to just one example of such a father!

Blessing #16

So...remember how I used to blog and count my blessings? Yeah, me too. I think I'll blame my graduate program for the demise of my blog. I never knew it would end up ruling my life the way that it did. Those two years were quite literally the hardest two years of my life and, unlike the common mission phrase, I don't know that I'd also consider them the best :) But...they did get me to where I am today, which is a good thing. I'm currently working as a speech-language pathologist at an elementary school. It's without a doubt the most challenging and demanding job of any I've occupied thus far, but I really, REALLY love working with my students. In fact, they are the reason I'm blogging today.

I've always planned to work with kids in a career. Growing up, I don't remember ever wanting to be anything other than a teacher. When I went to college, I started to question that decision though and looked into some other fields. I ended up graduating with my undergrad in Social Work, but I remember talking to my mom the week before graduation about whether or not I should actually pursue a second degree in teaching right away. I did eventually pursue that degree, but in the process decided I would prefer to go the speech therapy route. Overall, I've been happy with my decision. Like I said, my job is often hard and stressful; however, there are moments each day when I realize it's all not only worth it, but I'd also probably be bored if I had it any other way. For example, last week I had the following conversation with two third graders:

Student #1: "Did you take your kids to Disneyland with you when you went there?" (My room is Disney themed.)

Me: "No, I don't have any kids yet."

Student #2: "Do you have a husband?"

Me: "No, not yet."

Student #1: "So you live alone?"

Me: "No, I actually live with some friends. They're called roommates."

Student #1: "You should adopt some kids."

Me: "Umm...okay. Can I adopt you?"

Student #1: Look of confusion..."No. You're supposed to adopt kids that don't have families."

Student #2: "Why don't you have a husband?"

Me: .....

Student #2: "You should try online dating."

Me: .....

Student #2: "Do you have a boyfriend?"

Me: "You mean am I dating someone?"

Student #2: "No, do you have friends that are boys?!"

Me: "Yes, I have friends who are boys."

Student #2: "Then date them!!"

I'm not going to lie, Student #2 was frustrated in his final remarks. Apparently, we adults just aren't logical enough for him :) I sure wish it were that easy, kid! Even though this conversation felt slightly like an interrogation, I couldn't help but laugh. I was having a bit of a rough day and it was just what I needed. Whenever I start to take life too seriously, my kiddos remind me not to.

The scriptures teach us that except we “become as little children” we shall not enter the kingdom of heaven. As I’ve pondered why this is, I’ve considered the qualities that children possess. They are eager to learn. They are obedient (for the most part). :) They are innocent and pure. They are curious. They are full of faith and trust. They find joy in the small things. They want to please others. They are playful and experience each moment in life to the fullest. They are quick to forgive. They express their love often. They are humble. They are teachable. They are compassionate.

I could go on and on talking about childlike qualities, but I think it’s obvious why we are to become as little children. They have the characteristics required to reside with our Father in Heaven. The part that is not always so obvious to me as an adult though, is that we would just plain be happier here on earth if we became more like them. As I said before, I was having a hard day prior to the conversation with my kiddos mentioned above and taking on the perspective of a third grader changed the whole dynamic of my day. I am so grateful for the example of little children and want to end with a quote by Jean A. Stevens that expresses exactly how I feel:

“Have some of life’s experiences taken from you the believing heart and childlike faith you once had? If so, look around at the children in your life. And then look again. If we have a heart to learn and a willingness to follow the example of children, their divine attributes can hold a key to unlocking our own spiritual growth.”

Blessing #15

The Sixth Sense

"I see dead people." Who could forget the first time they heard this chilling confession from Cole Sear to his supposed psychologist, Malcolm Crowe, in M. Night Shyamalan's big hit? It may be odd, but these famous words entered my mind just a few days ago as I sat on a train bound for Salt Lake City. "Why?" you ask. Let me explain. What do you see in the following picture?

If you've seen Pursuit of Happyness, you know that the man depicted in this photo is Chris Gardner, a father who has literally been beaten down by circumstances in life that seem outside of his control. I observed several, similarly haggard expressions in the faces of those individuals surrounding me on the aforementioned train ride and couldn't help but think, "I see dead people." I'd even be tempted to add, "They're everywhere. They only see what they want to see. They don't know they're dead."

By now, you know of course, I’m not referring to "dead" in the literal sense of the word, but more so in a figurative sense. I'm not exempt from my own analogy either. As it was New Year's Eve that day, I had been reflecting on events that took place in 2011 and was preparing to write a particularly catchy country song :) My year in review? My best friend moved away, I moved back in with my parental units for the first time since high school, I returned to school and experienced the stress of accruing large amounts of debt for the first time, my car broke down during the very first week of school which led to an unexpected and expensive repair, my dog died, and...I got dumped, like twice...by the same guy :) Basically, 2011 wasn't my favorite year and I'm pretty sure my own facial expression didn't exactly offset the ambiance that had been created by my fellow passengers. As I scoured the faces of the people on the train that day and thought about my own experiences, I understood Cole Sear's words in a new way. Sometimes we only see what we want to see in life and refuse to acknowledge the moments that could bring us so much joy if we would only open our eyes. 

Chris Gardner says the following at one point in Pursuit of Happyness, "It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what. How did he know that?"

I think it's safe to say that we are all pursuing happiness in some way; however, it seems we will always be stuck in that pursuit if we don't find a way to be happy now...no matter what the circumstance. I've written about this in previous posts and I'm sure I'll be writing about it again at some point, but this experience made it apparent, once again, how important it is to choose to be happy now. President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "It is not so much the major events as the small day-to-day decisions that map the course of our living." While addressing the same topic, President Uchtdorf stated, "So often we get caught up in the illusion that there is something just beyond our reach that would bring us happiness: a better family situation, a better financial situation, or the end of a challenging trial. The older we get, the more we look back and realize that external circumstances don’t really matter or determine our happiness. We do matter. We determine our happiness. You and I are ultimately in charge of our own happiness." How grateful I am for my blessings, whether obvious or obscure, and for the opportunity I have to choose each day to be happy now.

Blessing #14

Regional conference :)

I attended my stake's regional conference a few weeks ago and had the opportunity to hear from Elder Bednar. His talk was powerful and made my head hurt a little bit because there was so much to think about :) I have thought about it several times since then. It was one of those talks that just inspires you to make real changes in your life.

Elder Bednar spoke of testimony, conversion, and the character of Christ. In his talk, he explained that testimony is something that comes as we study and pray about gospel truths. Conversion, he said, then grows out of testimony as we consistently follow what we know to be true. Following these explanations, he inserted the principles of testimony and conversion into the parable of the ten virgins, calling their lamps the lamps of testimony, and the oil, the oil of conversion. He explained that the oil cannot be shared during moments of trial and adversity, but comes drop by drop as we study the gospel. Conversion must be obtained and cannot be given from person to person. He expressed that every member of the church has some form of testimony, but it is apparent that not all are converted.

Elder Bednar then stated that one cannot be converted until he/she knows some basic things about the character of Christ for "except for the character of Christ, there would have been no atonement." He shared several examples from the scriptures that are representative of Christ's character. In each instance, and always in times of personal trial and adversity, Christ turned outward when the natural man or woman would have the tendency to turn inward. He sent an angel to John who had been sent to prison even though Jesus, himself, had just faced enormous personal hardship, he healed the guard's ear in the midst of his own betrayal, and even on the cross, he pleaded with the Father to "forgive them, for they know not what they do."

As Elder Bednar spoke, it became evident that a truly converted individual is one who follows the example of Christ and turns outward rather than inward...at all times. I've reflected on this often over the past few weeks. It seems logical that our actions would indicate our level of conversion to the gospel and it made me consider my own actions. Do I turn outward rather than inward during times of trial? Probably not as often as I should. I'm grateful for the message that Elder Bednar shared. It reminded me of a quote given in a talk by President Gordon B. Hinckley:

"If the pressures of school are too heavy, if you complain about your housing and the food you eat, I can suggest a cure for your problems. Lay your books aside for a few hours, leave your room, and go visit someone who is old and lonely. Or visit those who are sick and discouraged; there are hundreds of that kind...who need the kind of encouragement you could give. If you are complaining about life, it is because you are thinking only of yourself. There was for many years a sign on the wall of a shoe repair shop I patronized. It read, 'I complained because I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet.' The most effective medicine for the sickness of self-pity is to lose oneself in the service of others."

I feel like it's pretty easy to get caught up in selfishness and self-pity as a young single adult, as you mainly only have yourself to think about. As I considered both of these messages, it was made clear to me that the real cure for the sickness of self-pity is conversion...true conversion. Such conversion leads to outward acts which represent an inward commitment to live the gospel as a disciple of Jesus Christ. I am again so grateful for this powerful message and hope that as I continue to study and ponder the scriptures, I will develop those Christlike attributes that lead one to turn outward when the natural man would yearn to turn inward.

Blessing #13

....a simple candy bar :)

I went to the Relief Society broadcast this weekend and I absolutely loved President Uchtdorf's talk. When does one not love his talks though, really? ha ha. He made an analogy about the Forget-me-not flower and compared its petals to five things we should never forget in our own lives. The five "forget-me-nots" were:

1) Forget not to be patient with yourself
2) Forget not the difference between a good sacrifice and a bad sacrifice
3) Forget not to be happy now
4) Forget not the "why" of the gospel
5) Forget not that the Lord loves you

I would love to write about the entire talk (trust me, it was that good), but it's better in his own words so go check it out if you haven't heard it yet.

What I will talk about is one point that really hit me hard at this time in my life. It's something you hear often, but President Uchtdorf put the point into a new light. It was his third forget-me-not: forget not to be happy now. Now I don't really see myself as an unhappy person; I usually have a pretty healthy and optimistic attitude on life, but where he really got me thinking was in his comparison to the "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" story. He quoted a part from the book where the public is alerted that five golden tickets were dispersed in Wonka candy bars. With the news, people spent their time searching for the tickets and quickly forgot the enjoyment they used to find in eating a simple candy bar.

He then talked about the idea that we each have our own "golden tickets" in life. We often think we will be happy and satisfied when a certain event takes place, and as we wait for such an event, we miss the simple moments in life that could bring us the joy we desire if we would only recognize their significance. He talked about a single woman who wanted to be married and to raise a family more than anything else. That dream was never realized though and she quickly became bitter and lonely. No one wanted to be around her because of her attitude and perspective on life. I've been around people like this myself (and have even been this woman on occasion) and I think most would agree, such people can be rather draining. The example of this woman makes me want to be more cognizant of my own attitudes and actions. She was a teacher, but found no enjoyment in her career. I find this attitude to be truly tragic as she had the unique opportunity to make a profound difference in the life of each child she encountered. Uchtdorf reminded the women to discover the beauty of the everyday moments as those that do so are they who are truly happy.

This message reminded me, once again, of the opportunities I have been blessed with. Years ago, I never would have guessed my life would be what it is today, but more and more, I realize that's okay. I'm currently in a program that will give me the opportunity to bless the lives of others. I have already experienced this in my apprenticeship as I work with a little girl. I look at her and think of her future and the impact my training could have on her life...the confidence it could give her...and it makes me so much more appreciative and dedicated to the work I will be required to put into my program. It will all be worth it in the end. I want to find joy in my personal journey here on this earth...through the good and the bad...and I want to instill such joy in others through loving service. We are, quite literally, either the creators or the destroyers of our own happiness so let's "forget not to be happy now."

Blessing #12

Sadie.

My dog died very suddenly this week and it was really quite hard for me. I haven't had to deal with death much in my life. My grandpa died a few years ago and I remember gaining a stronger testimony of eternal families during that time. I hadn't really given the doctrine of eternal families much thought up to that point...I mean, I had grown up learning I would have an eternal family and was so grateful for that, but when my grandpa died, I really searched the doctrine further and was incredibly grateful for the peace it brought into my life during that difficult time. I loved him so much.

I felt that same pain again this week as I held my dog for the last time. It probably sounds silly to those who have not owned a dog before, but she was literally a part of my family and a part of me. She was always such a blessing to me. When I was home alone, I felt safe knowing she was there with me. When I needed to talk, yes, I would talk to my dog...and she would always just sit there next to me and listen. When I came home for the weekends in my Provo years, she would run around the house excitedly and she would literally give me a hug. She made me feel so special. My dog was my good friend. My house seems so quiet without her now and I know I will continue to miss her presence in my life.

The night after we lost her, I decided to watch Marley and Me. I know, I was just asking for more tears right? :) It was so good though to watch such a tender story about a family and their love for their dog. In the end of that movie, a certain quote always gets me. The main character in the story, John Grogan, says: "A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if you're rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?"

I have always loved that quote. The words are said as he is watching his family through the window and I find the scene so touching. Our families are truly the ones who can bless our lives in such a way...they can make us feel extraordinary. I know that is true because I have experienced that in my own family. I am truly grateful for them and am incredibly grateful for the time I had with my dog. She made my family complete and I will remember her always :)

Blessing #11

TRAX! Yes, this post is dedicated to the trax train. UTA should be thanking me for promoting one of their modes of transportation ;) Why on earth am I grateful for TRAX today? Well, other than the fact that it is just plain awesome to ride a train, TRAX made me smile today. Here's why: I love to people watch! Don't call me a creeper, you know you love to people watch too ;) Today's people watching session was special though! I watched a young, male college student talking to someone on the phone and he couldn't stop smiling....you know, the cutesy, cheesy, sappy, talking to his new girlfriend type of smiling :)

I then watched a girl take out her phone to find that she had received a text message. Instantly, a massive smile appeared on her face and I watched her read the message over and over again...now, let's be honest ladies, we've all done this! I have no idea what was said in the phone conversation or the text message, but each of their reactions told me everything I needed to know...they were both so, extremely happy and in love. I tried to imagine what could be going on in their lives and relationships and couldn't stop myself from smiling also as I considered the possibilities. While the road to finding one's EC (eternal companion) can be difficult at times, it can also be just plain adorable. I love love! :)

Blessing #10

I recently watched The Adjustment Bureau. I'm sorry to be bringing up another movie, but after it ended, I found myself contemplating its message quite a bit. If you haven't seen it yet, I'll give just a brief summary...a very brief summary. Basically, the main characters, David and Elise, fall in love. However, as with any good love story, something impedes their relationship from progressing. In this case, that something is the adjustment bureau. The responsibility of the adjustment bureau is to keep each man or woman on his or her own set, predetermined path. Each member of the adjustment bureau works for the "chairman" of the bureau and he is the one who determines which path is correct for each person. Of course, in the movie, David and Elise are not meant to be together, so they must find a way to break free from the chairman's grip. From a Hollywood standpoint, I think it's safe to say that the "chairman" would represent God in this movie; a controlling God who doesn't allow humanity to make individual decisions.

Luckily, that is not the way I envision God. To this day, I'm still trying to decide exactly how I feel about the movie; however, one thing I do know, is that it brought some thoughts to my mind that I'm grateful for. First of all, the movie's representation of God is quite skewed, but I related to it in a way. Heavenly Father obviously doesn't force us to do anything; we have our agency. He does, however, know what is best for each of us. So, although we are not forced to follow a specific path, there is a path that may be better for us to follow than others. Hence the need for revelation.

This thought brought about a personal epiphany. Have you ever felt, as David and Elise did, that you are not on a path you would have chosen for yourself? Have you wondered why things happen the way they do when such circumstances, you feel, tend to just bring sadness or disappointment? I have. I've even prayed that I might receive something I want, because I feel it will bring me the happiness my Heavenly Father would want me to have. This movie though, along with plenty of other experiences, has made me realize that there is a plan, better than my own, occurring in my life right now...and as I put my faith in God, I will be able to see it as such.

An encouraging and relevant quote was shared in a talk given in my ward this past week. It's by Elder Bruce C. Hafen. He said: "...we must willingly give everything, because God Himself can't make us grow against our will and without our full participation." Each of us must willingly give our will to the Lord and trust that he will make us our best and bring about our greatest joy. I, personally, am grateful for not always being granted the blessings I seek for myself. Little by little, and often in hindsight, we learn to recognize the Lord's hand in our lives. I've definitely seen that in my own life recently and am so grateful that the "chairman", ahem, I mean that the man upstairs exists ;)

Blessing #9

Let me just start by saying the past week has been really tough for me. It started wonderfully! I finally thought something was developing with a guy I have been interested in for a very long time. My excitement quickly dwindled though as I found out that I was wrong. I should have been ready for it; it's happened before. But the amount of emotion that results from these experiences still shocks me every time. Not only have I lost someone who I invested a lot of time and hope in, but I've also lost a best friend. I miss him more than I can even express and wish I could stop the tears that seem to appear at the most inopportune times. I sometimes feel like I seem to find success in every aspect of my life but love, which unfortunately, is what I want most. Along with this, I lost my best girl friend to Texas since she graduated, I spent several unsuccessful hours (due to lack of concentration) studying for finals, and I recently got sick. I know, woe is me right? I must sound so pathetic. Why is it so hard to find the good in life when going through trials? I have the same conversation with myself every time that I experience something like this and I can't seem to come up with an answer that sticks. It's not the end of the world. Things will improve. I will move on. I know this from experience. So why can't I immediately move from point A to point B without all the wallowing in sadness and misery?

After this week, I can offer one answer. I've been studying about adversity lately and I caught a glimpse of why these experiences are important when I read a talk by Elder Neal A. Maxwell called Enduring Well. Let me share a couple of quotes from it with you:

"Anne Morrow Lindbergh wisely cautioned: 'I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness and the willingness to remain vulnerable.'"

"Edith Hamilton observed: 'When love meets no return the result is suffering, and the greater the love the greater the suffering. There can be no greater suffering than to love purely and perfectly one who is bent upon evil and self-destruction. That was what God endured at the hands of men.'"

"Many...experience unreciprocated love. This is part of coming to know, on our small scale, what Jesus experienced. Part of enduring well consists of being meek enough, amid our suffering, to learn from our relevant experiences. Rather than simply passing through these things, they must pass through us and do so in ways which sanctify these experiences for our good (see D&C 122:7). Thereby, our empathy, too, is enriched and everlasting."

Now think of that last quote and my recent experience. Keep in mind that this talk was the first I came to in my studies. Coincidence? I think not. The Lord knew that I needed to hear something related to love and suffering and boy was that quote powerful for me. Through this experience, on a very small scale, I'm coming to understand a bit more about what my Savior went through; possibly even what I've put him through at times. I'm also developing more empathy for others. Empathy is powerful, I've seen the importance of it in my job when counseling with students who have gone through extremely hard experiences.

The last quote also reminded me of a quote by Elder Holland that I love. He said, “you can have sacred, revelatory, profoundly instructive experiences with the Lord in the most miserable experiences of your life.” I think this is what it means to have trials pass through us in ways that will sanctify us for our good. When in the midst of trials and suffering, we will receive revelation and instruction that will make us better people and more capable instruments in the hands of the Lord. I want to end with another comforting quote by President Uchtdorf:

"Often the deep valleys of our present will be understood only by looking back on them from the mountains of our future experience. Often we can't see the Lord's hand in our lives until long after trials have passed. Often the most difficult times of our lives are essential building blocks that form the foundation of our character and pave the way to future opportunity, understanding, and happiness."

I am grateful for the gospel. I am grateful for the people who have made a positive influence on my life. And I am grateful for adversity.

Blessing #8

So...it's been a long time...and my last post was more sad than happy. I promise I'm not that ungrateful, just busy. Blessing number 8 is a bit delayed since it happened on my birthday, but I wanted to write about it anyway. Have you ever had a friend that you just know will always be considered a best friend no matter what? Someone that, when you look back on your life, seems to exist in almost every good memory? I have a friend like that. Her name is Heather Kilpatrick.

Heather and I met in first grade. We were in the same class and I knew I wanted to be her friend. Why? Because she had pierced ears. Yes, I'm shallow, I know. My mom wouldn't let me get my ears pierced til I was 12 so I was immediately drawn to what I couldn't have I guess...ha ha. We were instantly best friends and would be all the way through high school. Heather and I did everything together and I can't think of a better person to have had an influence on my life.

On my birthday this year, I checked the mail and found a letter from Heather. In it, she wished me a happy birthday and then proceeded to write about a memory she had of our past. It was a silly memory, a really silly one, but it absolutely made my day! Heather has always been so thoughtful and I realized through her simple and kind act, that I wanted to do more than I currently do for other people. I'm so grateful for friends that have this kind of impact on my life. Heather, you are truly a blessing to me! Thanks for always being a great example and a great friend!

Blessing #7

Writing is cathartic for me. I find it to be one of the easiest ways to express myself. I recently wrote the poem below. Before you read it, I'd like to say, please don't worry about me. I know the poem is somewhat sad, but I usually write when I'm most emotional..ha ha. I just wanted to share it as blessing number seven tonight as I am so very grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life.

Her email and phone, she frequently checks
For an email, a voice mail, an instant message or text.
She sits in silence, hoping to hear a knock at the door.
But each night's the same; she ends up crying on the floor.

She tries to concentrate on work and on school.
The more time she fills, she knows her thoughts he won't rule.
A song brings a memory that she tries to push away,
But the next song does the same; she wonders if she'll be okay.

She longs for his presence, his smile, his touch,
His kindness, his humor, his conversation so much.
She decides to put her trust though in "giving it time,"
But each day is difficult, as she continues the climb.

The heart is fragile, it breaks, it is torn.
The owner often feels hurt, haggard, and worn.
So, one may ask, what will make her heart mend?
Time? Chocolate? These words that are penned?

Perhaps one might say, "yes, all of the above!"
But there's also someone who freely gives of his love.
He's one she can count on, he's steadfast, he's sure.
He's her Savior, her redeemer, her brother, her cure.

Blessing #6

Beep, beep, beep, beep....Does this sound remind you of anything? If you're cringing because you can now hear the alarm clock in your head, find comfort in the fact that I usually have the same reaction. Last week, I was just plain annoyed as my alarm woke me up from a dream I didn't want to leave. Worst. Sound. Ever. Right?.....perhaps not.

I recently saw Inception for the third time. Yes, I'm a bit obsessed. This movie is so unique and the concepts presented...fascinating! I think the movie is intriguing to all audiences as the dream world is so familiar, and yet so enigmatic at the same time. In my opinion, it was even better the third time around as some thoughts I hadn't previously considered were impressed upon my mind. I think I was finally able to move past the sheer wonder of it all and instead take in a basic and meaningful message that the movie conveys. This message represents blessing number six.

So...if you haven't seen this movie yet, you may not want to read on. In fact, I would suggest you head to a redbox right now instead :) If you have seen the movie, you know that the main character, Cobb, has an internal struggle of sorts. His wife, Mal, who passed away, finds her way into every dream he is a part of and tries to convince him that the dream world is the real world. Because of this, Cobb, who is trying to make it back to their children, never seems to have a firm grasp on reality.

The heart of Cobb's struggle, choosing between reality and the dream world, made me think a lot about my own life. Have you ever imagined how happy you might be if things were different in your life? Have you ever thought back to a choice you've made and wondered if your current situation would have been better had you chosen another path? Have you thought back to the past and longed to have "the good old days" back? Have you ever wished for something so much that you just can't seem to let it go? In response to all of these questions, I have. It's obviously not always a bad thing to have these thoughts as you (in relation to the questions above) learn from mistakes, reminisce, and work to achieve goals; however, I think many of us spend too much time living in the "dream world" and not enough time finding happiness in and being content with our own realities.

In his most recent conference address, President Monson said, "We have all experienced times when our focus is on what we lack rather than on our blessings. Said the Greek philosopher Epictetus, 'He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.'" I've always believed that one's attitude literally makes an experience good or bad. I think we, as human beings, literally have more control over our lives than we give ourselves credit for.

So why is it sometimes hard to keep that positive attitude and find the peace that comes when optimism is put into practice? I don't really know, but I am certainly, personally, going to work harder at it. I truly have so much to be thankful for and my reality is a good one. I love the final scene in Inception when Cobb makes it home and finally sees the faces of his children. We each have the same opportunity to experience such joy in our own lives as we choose to make the most of our realities.

Blessing #5

A spider. Yes, a spider of all things taught me a great lesson yesterday (very fitting for this time of year, don't you think?). First of all, let's just say that I disdain spiders. I end up paralyzed whenever I encounter one. Yesterday, however, this small, creepy creature reminded me of some important truths. I was on my way to my parent's house for a family Halloween party and right around the Lehi area, I noticed something on my windshield. There, dead center, was a small spider (on the outside of the windshield that is). My first reaction was fear and I almost turned my windshield wipers on, but that fear quickly turned to amazement. How was this little guy holding onto my windshield so tightly? I would expect that he'd be blown right off at freeway speeds. I marveled the whole way home as he tagged along for the ride. I eventually got to my exit and had to stop at the light, and in response, my little friend slowly made his way toward my windshield wipers and climbed into a small crevice as he finally had relief from the wind. I considered trying to find him when I got home since I knew he was still on my car, but decided I'd let him do whatever he wanted after he had made it that far.

So, being a nerd, I wanted to do a little research about the strength of a spider's grip. I found quite a few articles and want to share a bit about what I learned. I'm guessing some of you out there already know this, but here it is anyway:

"A team from Germany and Switzerland have made the first detailed examinations of a jumping spider's 'foot' and have discovered that a molecular force sticks the spider to almost anything. The force is so strong that these spiders could carry over 170 times their own body weight while standing on the ceiling. This is the first time anyone has measured exactly how spiders stick to surfaces, and how strong the adhesion force is. The team used a scanning electron microscope (SEM) to make images of the foot of a jumping spider. There is a tuft of hairs on the bottom of the spider's leg, and each individual hair is covered in more hairs. These smaller hairs are called setules, and they are what makes the spider stick. The force these spiders use to stick to surfaces is the van der Waals force, which acts between individual molecules that are within a nanometre of each other (a nanometre is about ten thousand times smaller than the width of a human hair). The team used a technique called Atomic Force Microscopy (AFM) to measure this force. The flexible contact tips of the setules are triangular and they have an amazingly high adhesive force on the underlying surface."

So there you have it. Setules keep a spider on your bedroom ceiling, on your wall at work, or on your windshield while driving on the freeway :) I thought this was pretty cool and couldn't help but find connections to the gospel and trials. I watched that spider the whole way home and wondered how long he would hold on. I imagine the thirty minutes or so that he was stuck there, probably felt like a lifetime to him. So this got me thinking, what are my "setules" during trying times? Or what are the things that help me to "hold on" when going through something hard? The answers are simple, but are sometimes forgotten or just not utilized. They may include prayer, scripture study, faith, service, temple worship, fasting, an attitude of gratitude, etc. These are things that will help us come to know our Savior, Jesus Christ, and as we make him our rock, the very foundation of our lives (our windshield if you will), we will not be overcome by the winds of life; but will, as I'm sure my spider friend found, be strengthened, refined, and more qualified to enter the Kingdom of God.

Blessing #4

You know those moments when you just miss the past? Different things have been triggering those moments for me lately. It's usually a song or a situation that reminds me of a certain family member or event from my past and nostalgia sets in. I miss living with my family. I miss my brothers. My oldest brother Joel got married when I was in 9th grade. Daniel followed his footsteps during my freshman year of college, and Matt and Bruce continued the trend just months later in 2006....three weddings in one year for my family! I remember that time as being both bitter and sweet. I knew my family would never be the same after all my brothers were married, which is obviously a good thing with all the amazing sisters I’ve gained, but I sometimes just long for those days again where we all lived under the same roof.

I miss so many things. I miss hearing my dad ring that awful bell each morning at 6:30 to signal that it was time for family prayer and scripture study. I miss having a real family home evening each Monday (not the made up single’s ward family home evenings) :) I miss my mom putting curlers in my hair every Saturday night while watching the Boston Pops in preparation for church the next day. I miss Bruce and Matt asking me to make a TCT or a chicken ranch wrap because I "make them the best," when really they just didn't want to have to do it themselves...ha ha. I miss watching all my brothers wrestle in the front room, each one thinking they were so tough, and then watching my dad step in and kick everyone's trash :) I miss the trash talk whenever a sporting event was about to commence. I miss family vacations. I miss Joel's corny jokes and his "big brother" protective instincts even when it was my other brothers who were teasing me. I miss watching Pocahontas with Bruce. I miss Dan teaching me how to break a guy's arm just in case I ever got attacked :) I miss playing catch with Matt in the backyard or having him try to teach me the correct way to shoot a basketball over and over again. I miss listening to music with him and talking about his latest embarrassing moment on his date with Brooke. Heck, I even miss not being able to get a word in at the dinner table because of all the sports talk!

Each member of my family represents blessing #4 for me tonight. My family is incredible! My brothers are all so amazing and I look up to each one of them for a million different reasons. I can't express how much joy my parents and brothers bring to my life. It is so great to know that even when I feel lonely at times, I can feel a sense of love, acceptance, and belonging when in the company of my family. I look forward to the day when I have a family of my own here on this earth as well. It's sometimes hard to be single when you long for the blessings that come with a spouse and children, especially when you see the happiness that such a situation brings to immediate family members. Until that blessing arrives for me though, I will find happiness in being a part of each of my family member's lives. I'm so grateful that Heavenly Father provided us with families here upon the earth. I find so much comfort as I think about the doctrine of eternal families....for those that I love so deeply in this life will forever be mine.

Blessing #3

Orange Starbursts...yes, that's right...ORANGE. Last night I realized I hadn't finished a bag of Starbursts that I had purchased for my trip to Florida. This is quite shocking. I rarely buy candy because I know how fast I'll eat it...so trust me; it's a miracle this bag was still in my pantry. Anyway, as I took out the first mouth-watering fruit chew, I found myself to be somewhat distraught. Why?...It was orange. I'm a pretty average Starburst connoisseur so yellow and orange aren't necessarily located at the top of my favorite Starburst flavor list. So you may be asking yourself, "Okay, why did she find this to be a blessing?"

 

Reason: I found out on Sunday that orange Starbursts are my nephew's favorite flavor and this thought brought a smile to my face. His primary teacher brought each child in his class three of the fun size Starburst packages. My nephew wanted to eat them right away, but we were headed to the airport so his parents asked him to wait til they got home. I decided, however, to take on the "favorite aunt" role so once he asked me, I opened a package for him and hid the wrappers in my purse. Sorry Becky...sometimes he asks questions way too sweetly for me to say no :)



Anyway, this story is really only part of blessing #3. I would count my whole experience in San Antonio as a blessing. I had the opportunity to watch my nieces and nephew while my sister-in-law attended my brother's JAG training graduation in Alabama. It was a sweet experience. I gained a much greater appreciation for all the mothers out there...watching 3 kids was hard work even for just 3 days, but boy, it was so rewarding at the same time! I had a blast and the kids were so sweet. One night, they took turns complimenting my cooking, my pony tail, my shirt, my "skirt" (basketball shorts), and even my talking voice...ha ha. I had no idea where it all came from and I definitely looked like a slob, but hey, who would complain? :) All of the random hugs and "I love you Aunt Kaitlyn"'s were enough for me to counter any tantrum or fight that broke out. So I just want to give a shout out to those cute kids in San Antonio and tell them thanks for all the fun! I miss you kiddos! Same goes to all my other nieces and nephews in Utah. I am a better and happier person because I have all of you in my life!

Andrew, Emma, and Olivia

James and Jenna

Hunter

Luke and Lila

Blessing #2

....9 a.m. church. Okay, so I may not always consider this one a blessing, but as of yesterday, blessing would be the perfect word to describe my new church schedule. Here's why...I spent my afternoon at Rock Canyon Park. This may not seem like a big deal to anyone else, but coming from a girl with a desk job and no window in the office, this experience was much needed.

For all those who don't know anything about Rock Canyon Park, let me paint you a picture. Imagine yourself sitting on a large, grassy hill. It's a perfect summer/fall day. Your eyes are closed and you can feel slight winds coming from the northwest. The sun is high in the sky, its rays offering just enough warmth to combat the wind chill. Slowly, you open your eyes and take in the sight in front of you. Directly ahead, you see a lake spanning your entire view north to south, its waves visible through the streams of sunlight. To the left, you see a temple pillar surrounded by trees, Moroni atop the pillar, trumpet pointing toward the east. As you turn around, you look up and watch clouds slowly progressing over the tops of enormous mountains. The view is breathtaking. What's more impressive though is the feeling these sights have produced within you...the feeling of peace.

This was my experience yesterday. As I sat on that hill in Rock Canyon Park, I couldn't help but think of Alma when he says to Korihor, "yea, and all things denote there is a God; yea, even the earth and all things that are upon the face of it, yea, and its motion, yea, and also all the planets which move in their regular form do witness that there is a Supreme Creator." It's so easy to forget the beauty around you when you are caught up in the "thick of thin things." I just want to say how grateful I am for the reminder I had yesterday. There is a God and not only has he created this beautiful planet on which I live, but he also created me. I am one of God's creations, his daughter, and I am of great worth. I often forget this. To anyone who may read this, I hope my "tender mercy" experience can remind you of your great worth as well. Heavenly Father loves you and will provide experiences of comfort specific to your needs. He is always there for you as well as your brother and Savior, Jesus Christ. I can't express how much this experience meant to me. My testimony was strengthened and I hope never to forget the feelings I had.

Blessing #1

I've often thought about starting a blog, however, I've always associated blogs with married couples so I haven't dared to start my own since, let's face it, we single folks just aren't as interesting without all the cute pictures of kids or grandkids that other's blogs possess :) Recently though, I decided I would start one anyway.

So...here it is. I want to use this blog as a gratitude journal of sorts. I seem to never have time to write in my journal and yet find plenty of time to waste on Facebook, iTunes, etc. So I figured I'd be more likely to write if it were on a blog since I'm on my computer so much anyway. Plus, I can make it cute, so really it's a win/win situation ;)

Anyway, let the counting of blessings begin. Blessing #1 for me today is...drumroll please....MUSIC! I have a somewhat small, no, maybe a medium...okay, perhaps a large obsession with music. For example, I got a new job a few weeks ago and discovered that I did not have speakers on my new computer. Let's just say, I was quite distraught. I brought headphones the next day and listened to music during my lunch breaks for the next week. Luckily, a week later, speakers were ordered and all was well in the work world again :)

Music has the ability to calm me when I am down and has often given me a more positive perspective on life. The lyrical and instrumental combinations speak to me in ways that other things often cannot. I like to find songs that carry positive messages. I've been on a Christian music craze as of late because of the messages that are conveyed in the lyrics. Although she's not a Christian artist, I wanted to share a verse from a Carrie Underwood song titled "Temporary Home" that particularly touched me recently.

Old man, hospital bed,
The room is filled with people he loves.
And he whispers don't cry for me,
I'll see you all someday.
He looks up and says, "I can see God's face.

This is my temporary Home
It's not where I belong.
Windows and rooms that I'm passin' through.
This was just a stop, on the way to where I'm going.
I'm not afraid because I know... this was
My temporary home.

This is our temporary home.

The first time I heard this song, I had a flashback of being in a hospital room myself, holding my grandpa's hand as he was preparing to leave this "temporary home." I remember feeling so incredibly sad for not spending more time with him. But as the song states, and as I know, my time with my grandpa has not really come to an end. I will see him again. This life is our temporary home, until we return to our Father in Heaven. How grateful I am for having this knowledge.

Anyway, I could go on for hours about several other songs, but this post would likely become quite burdensome to read. So I'll end with a quote I found about music that rings true to my life:

"Music speaks what cannot be expressed,

Soothes the mind and gives it rest,

Heals the heart and makes it whole,

Flows from Heaven to the soul."