Let me just start by saying the past week has been really tough for me. It started wonderfully! I finally thought something was developing with a guy I have been interested in for a very long time. My excitement quickly dwindled though as I found out that I was wrong. I should have been ready for it; it's happened before. But the amount of emotion that results from these experiences still shocks me every time. Not only have I lost someone who I invested a lot of time and hope in, but I've also lost a best friend. I miss him more than I can even express and wish I could stop the tears that seem to appear at the most inopportune times. I sometimes feel like I seem to find success in every aspect of my life but love, which unfortunately, is what I want most. Along with this, I lost my best girl friend to Texas since she graduated, I spent several unsuccessful hours (due to lack of concentration) studying for finals, and I recently got sick. I know, woe is me right? I must sound so pathetic. Why is it so hard to find the good in life when going through trials? I have the same conversation with myself every time that I experience something like this and I can't seem to come up with an answer that sticks. It's not the end of the world. Things will improve. I will move on. I know this from experience. So why can't I immediately move from point A to point B without all the wallowing in sadness and misery?
After this week, I can offer one answer. I've been studying about adversity lately and I caught a glimpse of why these experiences are important when I read a talk by Elder Neal A. Maxwell called Enduring Well. Let me share a couple of quotes from it with you:
"Anne Morrow Lindbergh wisely cautioned: 'I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness and the willingness to remain vulnerable.'"
"Edith Hamilton observed: 'When love meets no return the result is suffering, and the greater the love the greater the suffering. There can be no greater suffering than to love purely and perfectly one who is bent upon evil and self-destruction. That was what God endured at the hands of men.'"
"Many...experience unreciprocated love. This is part of coming to know, on our small scale, what Jesus experienced. Part of enduring well consists of being meek enough, amid our suffering, to learn from our relevant experiences. Rather than simply passing through these things, they must pass through us and do so in ways which sanctify these experiences for our good (see D&C 122:7). Thereby, our empathy, too, is enriched and everlasting."
Now think of that last quote and my recent experience. Keep in mind that this talk was the first I came to in my studies. Coincidence? I think not. The Lord knew that I needed to hear something related to love and suffering and boy was that quote powerful for me. Through this experience, on a very small scale, I'm coming to understand a bit more about what my Savior went through; possibly even what I've put him through at times. I'm also developing more empathy for others. Empathy is powerful, I've seen the importance of it in my job when counseling with students who have gone through extremely hard experiences.
The last quote also reminded me of a quote by Elder Holland that I love. He said, “you can have sacred, revelatory, profoundly instructive experiences with the Lord in the most miserable experiences of your life.” I think this is what it means to have trials pass through us in ways that will sanctify us for our good. When in the midst of trials and suffering, we will receive revelation and instruction that will make us better people and more capable instruments in the hands of the Lord. I want to end with another comforting quote by President Uchtdorf:
"Often the deep valleys of our present will be understood only by looking back on them from the mountains of our future experience. Often we can't see the Lord's hand in our lives until long after trials have passed. Often the most difficult times of our lives are essential building blocks that form the foundation of our character and pave the way to future opportunity, understanding, and happiness."
I am grateful for the gospel. I am grateful for the people who have made a positive influence on my life. And I am grateful for adversity.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Blessing #8
So...it's been a long time...and my last post was more sad than happy. I promise I'm not that ungrateful, just busy. Blessing number 8 is a bit delayed since it happened on my birthday, but I wanted to write about it anyway. Have you ever had a friend that you just know will always be considered a best friend no matter what? Someone that, when you look back on your life, seems to exist in almost every good memory? I have a friend like that. Her name is Heather Kilpatrick.
Heather and I met in first grade. We were in the same class and I knew I wanted to be her friend. Why? Because she had pierced ears. Yes, I'm shallow, I know. My mom wouldn't let me get my ears pierced til I was 12 so I was immediately drawn to what I couldn't have I guess...ha ha. We were instantly best friends and would be all the way through high school. Heather and I did everything together and I can't think of a better person to have had an influence on my life.
On my birthday this year, I checked the mail and found a letter from Heather. In it, she wished me a happy birthday and then proceeded to write about a memory she had of our past. It was a silly memory, a really silly one, but it absolutely made my day! Heather has always been so thoughtful and I realized through her simple and kind act, that I wanted to do more than I currently do for other people. I'm so grateful for friends that have this kind of impact on my life. Heather, you are truly a blessing to me! Thanks for always being a great example and a great friend!
Heather and I met in first grade. We were in the same class and I knew I wanted to be her friend. Why? Because she had pierced ears. Yes, I'm shallow, I know. My mom wouldn't let me get my ears pierced til I was 12 so I was immediately drawn to what I couldn't have I guess...ha ha. We were instantly best friends and would be all the way through high school. Heather and I did everything together and I can't think of a better person to have had an influence on my life.
On my birthday this year, I checked the mail and found a letter from Heather. In it, she wished me a happy birthday and then proceeded to write about a memory she had of our past. It was a silly memory, a really silly one, but it absolutely made my day! Heather has always been so thoughtful and I realized through her simple and kind act, that I wanted to do more than I currently do for other people. I'm so grateful for friends that have this kind of impact on my life. Heather, you are truly a blessing to me! Thanks for always being a great example and a great friend!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Blessing #7
Writing is cathartic for me. I find it to be one of the easiest ways to express myself. I recently wrote the poem below. Before you read it, I'd like to say, please don't worry about me. I know the poem is somewhat sad, but I usually write when I'm most emotional..ha ha. I just wanted to share it as blessing number seven tonight as I am so very grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life.
Her email and phone, she frequently checks
For an email, a voice mail, an instant message or text.
She sits in silence, hoping to hear a knock at the door.
But each night's the same; she ends up crying on the floor.
She tries to concentrate on work and on school.
The more time she fills, she knows her thoughts he won't rule.
A song brings a memory that she tries to push away,
But the next song does the same; she wonders if she'll be okay.
She longs for his presence, his smile, his touch,
His kindness, his humor, his conversation so much.
She decides to put her trust though in "giving it time,"
But each day is difficult, as she continues the climb.
The heart is fragile, it breaks, it is torn.
The owner often feels hurt, haggard, and worn.
So, one may ask, what will make her heart mend?
Time? Chocolate? These words that are penned?
Perhaps one might say, "yes, all of the above!"
But there's also someone who freely gives of his love.
He's one she can count on, he's steadfast, he's sure.
He's her Savior, her redeemer, her brother, her cure.
Her email and phone, she frequently checks
For an email, a voice mail, an instant message or text.
She sits in silence, hoping to hear a knock at the door.
But each night's the same; she ends up crying on the floor.
She tries to concentrate on work and on school.
The more time she fills, she knows her thoughts he won't rule.
A song brings a memory that she tries to push away,
But the next song does the same; she wonders if she'll be okay.
She longs for his presence, his smile, his touch,
His kindness, his humor, his conversation so much.
She decides to put her trust though in "giving it time,"
But each day is difficult, as she continues the climb.
The heart is fragile, it breaks, it is torn.
The owner often feels hurt, haggard, and worn.
So, one may ask, what will make her heart mend?
Time? Chocolate? These words that are penned?
Perhaps one might say, "yes, all of the above!"
But there's also someone who freely gives of his love.
He's one she can count on, he's steadfast, he's sure.
He's her Savior, her redeemer, her brother, her cure.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Blessing #6
Beep, beep, beep, beep....Does this sound remind you of anything? If you're cringing because you can now hear the alarm clock in your head, find comfort in the fact that I usually have the same reaction. Last week, I was just plain annoyed as my alarm woke me up from a dream I didn't want to leave. Worst. Sound. Ever. Right?.....perhaps not.
I recently saw Inception for the third time. Yes, I'm a bit obsessed. This movie is so unique and the concepts presented...fascinating! I think the movie is intriguing to all audiences as the dream world is so familiar, and yet so enigmatic at the same time. In my opinion, it was even better the third time around as some thoughts I hadn't previously considered were impressed upon my mind. I think I was finally able to move past the sheer wonder of it all and instead take in a basic and meaningful message that the movie conveys. This message represents blessing number six.
So...if you haven't seen this movie yet, you may not want to read on. In fact, I would suggest you head to a redbox right now instead :) If you have seen the movie, you know that the main character, Cobb, has an internal struggle of sorts. His wife, Mal, who passed away, finds her way into every dream he is a part of and tries to convince him that the dream world is the real world. Because of this, Cobb, who is trying to make it back to their children, never seems to have a firm grasp on reality.
The heart of Cobb's struggle, choosing between reality and the dream world, made me think a lot about my own life. Have you ever imagined how happy you might be if things were different in your life? Have you ever thought back to a choice you've made and wondered if your current situation would have been better had you chosen another path? Have you thought back to the past and longed to have "the good old days" back? Have you ever wished for something so much that you just can't seem to let it go? In response to all of these questions, I have. It's obviously not always a bad thing to have these thoughts as you (in relation to the questions above) learn from mistakes, reminisce, and work to achieve goals; however, I think many of us spend too much time living in the "dream world" and not enough time finding happiness in and being content with our own realities.
In his most recent conference address, President Monson said, "We have all experienced times when our focus is on what we lack rather than on our blessings. Said the Greek philosopher Epictetus, 'He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.'" I've always believed that one's attitude literally makes an experience good or bad. I think we, as human beings, literally have more control over our lives than we give ourselves credit for.
So why is it sometimes hard to keep that positive attitude and find the peace that comes when optimism is put into practice? I don't really know, but I am certainly, personally, going to work harder at it. I truly have so much to be thankful for and my reality is a good one. I love the final scene in Inception when Cobb makes it home and finally sees the faces of his children. We each have the same opportunity to experience such joy in our own lives as we choose to make the most of our realities.
I recently saw Inception for the third time. Yes, I'm a bit obsessed. This movie is so unique and the concepts presented...fascinating! I think the movie is intriguing to all audiences as the dream world is so familiar, and yet so enigmatic at the same time. In my opinion, it was even better the third time around as some thoughts I hadn't previously considered were impressed upon my mind. I think I was finally able to move past the sheer wonder of it all and instead take in a basic and meaningful message that the movie conveys. This message represents blessing number six.
So...if you haven't seen this movie yet, you may not want to read on. In fact, I would suggest you head to a redbox right now instead :) If you have seen the movie, you know that the main character, Cobb, has an internal struggle of sorts. His wife, Mal, who passed away, finds her way into every dream he is a part of and tries to convince him that the dream world is the real world. Because of this, Cobb, who is trying to make it back to their children, never seems to have a firm grasp on reality.
The heart of Cobb's struggle, choosing between reality and the dream world, made me think a lot about my own life. Have you ever imagined how happy you might be if things were different in your life? Have you ever thought back to a choice you've made and wondered if your current situation would have been better had you chosen another path? Have you thought back to the past and longed to have "the good old days" back? Have you ever wished for something so much that you just can't seem to let it go? In response to all of these questions, I have. It's obviously not always a bad thing to have these thoughts as you (in relation to the questions above) learn from mistakes, reminisce, and work to achieve goals; however, I think many of us spend too much time living in the "dream world" and not enough time finding happiness in and being content with our own realities.
In his most recent conference address, President Monson said, "We have all experienced times when our focus is on what we lack rather than on our blessings. Said the Greek philosopher Epictetus, 'He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.'" I've always believed that one's attitude literally makes an experience good or bad. I think we, as human beings, literally have more control over our lives than we give ourselves credit for.
So why is it sometimes hard to keep that positive attitude and find the peace that comes when optimism is put into practice? I don't really know, but I am certainly, personally, going to work harder at it. I truly have so much to be thankful for and my reality is a good one. I love the final scene in Inception when Cobb makes it home and finally sees the faces of his children. We each have the same opportunity to experience such joy in our own lives as we choose to make the most of our realities.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Blessing #5
A spider. Yes, a spider of all things taught me a great lesson yesterday (very fitting for this time of year, don't you think?). First of all, let's just say that I disdain spiders. I end up paralyzed whenever I encounter one. Yesterday, however, this small, creepy creature reminded me of some important truths. I was on my way to my parent's house for a family Halloween party and right around the Lehi area, I noticed something on my windshield. There, dead center, was a small spider (on the outside of the windshield that is). My first reaction was fear and I almost turned my windshield wipers on, but that fear quickly turned to amazement. How was this little guy holding onto my windshield so tightly? I would expect that he'd be blown right off at freeway speeds. I marveled the whole way home as he tagged along for the ride. I eventually got to my exit and had to stop at the light, and in response, my little friend slowly made his way toward my windshield wipers and climbed into a small crevice as he finally had relief from the wind. I considered trying to find him when I got home since I knew he was still on my car, but decided I'd let him do whatever he wanted after he had made it that far.
So, being a nerd, I wanted to do a little research about the strength of a spider's grip. I found quite a few articles and want to share a bit about what I learned. I'm guessing some of you out there already know this, but here it is anyway:
"A team from Germany and Switzerland have made the first detailed examinations of a jumping spider's 'foot' and have discovered that a molecular force sticks the spider to almost anything. The force is so strong that these spiders could carry over 170 times their own body weight while standing on the ceiling. This is the first time anyone has measured exactly how spiders stick to surfaces, and how strong the adhesion force is. The team used a scanning electron microscope (SEM) to make images of the foot of a jumping spider. There is a tuft of hairs on the bottom of the spider's leg, and each individual hair is covered in more hairs. These smaller hairs are called setules, and they are what makes the spider stick. The force these spiders use to stick to surfaces is the van der Waals force, which acts between individual molecules that are within a nanometre of each other (a nanometre is about ten thousand times smaller than the width of a human hair). The team used a technique called Atomic Force Microscopy (AFM) to measure this force. The flexible contact tips of the setules are triangular and they have an amazingly high adhesive force on the underlying surface."
So there you have it. Setules keep a spider on your bedroom ceiling, on your wall at work, or on your windshield while driving on the freeway :) I thought this was pretty cool and couldn't help but find connections to the gospel and trials. I watched that spider the whole way home and wondered how long he would hold on. I imagine the thirty minutes or so that he was stuck there, probably felt like a lifetime to him. So this got me thinking, what are my "setules" during trying times? Or what are the things that help me to "hold on" when going through something hard? The answers are simple, but are sometimes forgotten or just not utilized. They may include prayer, scripture study, faith, service, temple worship, fasting, an attitude of gratitude, etc. These are things that will help us come to know our Savior, Jesus Christ, and as we make him our rock, the very foundation of our lives (our windshield if you will), we will not be overcome by the winds of life; but will, as I'm sure my spider friend found, be strengthened, refined, and more qualified to enter the Kingdom of God.
So, being a nerd, I wanted to do a little research about the strength of a spider's grip. I found quite a few articles and want to share a bit about what I learned. I'm guessing some of you out there already know this, but here it is anyway:
"A team from Germany and Switzerland have made the first detailed examinations of a jumping spider's 'foot' and have discovered that a molecular force sticks the spider to almost anything. The force is so strong that these spiders could carry over 170 times their own body weight while standing on the ceiling. This is the first time anyone has measured exactly how spiders stick to surfaces, and how strong the adhesion force is. The team used a scanning electron microscope (SEM) to make images of the foot of a jumping spider. There is a tuft of hairs on the bottom of the spider's leg, and each individual hair is covered in more hairs. These smaller hairs are called setules, and they are what makes the spider stick. The force these spiders use to stick to surfaces is the van der Waals force, which acts between individual molecules that are within a nanometre of each other (a nanometre is about ten thousand times smaller than the width of a human hair). The team used a technique called Atomic Force Microscopy (AFM) to measure this force. The flexible contact tips of the setules are triangular and they have an amazingly high adhesive force on the underlying surface."
So there you have it. Setules keep a spider on your bedroom ceiling, on your wall at work, or on your windshield while driving on the freeway :) I thought this was pretty cool and couldn't help but find connections to the gospel and trials. I watched that spider the whole way home and wondered how long he would hold on. I imagine the thirty minutes or so that he was stuck there, probably felt like a lifetime to him. So this got me thinking, what are my "setules" during trying times? Or what are the things that help me to "hold on" when going through something hard? The answers are simple, but are sometimes forgotten or just not utilized. They may include prayer, scripture study, faith, service, temple worship, fasting, an attitude of gratitude, etc. These are things that will help us come to know our Savior, Jesus Christ, and as we make him our rock, the very foundation of our lives (our windshield if you will), we will not be overcome by the winds of life; but will, as I'm sure my spider friend found, be strengthened, refined, and more qualified to enter the Kingdom of God.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Blessing #4
You know those moments when you just miss the past? Different things have been triggering those moments for me lately. It's usually a song or a situation that reminds me of a certain family member or event from my past and nostalgia sets in. I miss living with my family. I miss my brothers. My oldest brother Joel got married when I was in 9th grade. Daniel followed his footsteps during my freshman year of college, and Matt and Bruce continued the trend just months later in 2006....three weddings in one year for my family! I remember that time as being both bitter and sweet. I knew my family would never be the same after all my brothers were married, which is obviously a good thing with all the amazing sisters I’ve gained, but I sometimes just long for those days again where we all lived under the same roof.
I miss so many things. I miss hearing my dad ring that awful bell each morning at 6:30 to signal that it was time for family prayer and scripture study. I miss having a real family home evening each Monday (not the made up single’s ward family home evenings) :) I miss my mom putting curlers in my hair every Saturday night while watching the Boston Pops in preparation for church the next day. I miss Bruce and Matt asking me to make a TCT or a chicken ranch wrap because I "make them the best," when really they just didn't want to have to do it themselves...ha ha. I miss watching all my brothers wrestle in the front room, each one thinking they were so tough, and then watching my dad step in and kick everyone's trash :) I miss the trash talk whenever a sporting event was about to commence. I miss family vacations. I miss Joel's corny jokes and his "big brother" protective instincts even when it was my other brothers who were teasing me. I miss watching Pocahontas with Bruce. I miss Dan teaching me how to break a guy's arm just in case I ever got attacked :) I miss playing catch with Matt in the backyard or having him try to teach me the correct way to shoot a basketball over and over again. I miss listening to music with him and talking about his latest embarrassing moment on his date with Brooke. Heck, I even miss not being able to get a word in at the dinner table because of all the sports talk!
Each member of my family represents blessing #4 for me tonight. My family is incredible! My brothers are all so amazing and I look up to each one of them for a million different reasons. I can't express how much joy my parents and brothers bring to my life. It is so great to know that even when I feel lonely at times, I can feel a sense of love, acceptance, and belonging when in the company of my family. I look forward to the day when I have a family of my own here on this earth as well. It's sometimes hard to be single when you long for the blessings that come with a spouse and children, especially when you see the happiness that such a situation brings to immediate family members. Until that blessing arrives for me though, I will find happiness in being a part of each of my family member's lives. I'm so grateful that Heavenly Father provided us with families here upon the earth. I find so much comfort as I think about the doctrine of eternal families....for those that I love so deeply in this life will forever be mine.
I miss so many things. I miss hearing my dad ring that awful bell each morning at 6:30 to signal that it was time for family prayer and scripture study. I miss having a real family home evening each Monday (not the made up single’s ward family home evenings) :) I miss my mom putting curlers in my hair every Saturday night while watching the Boston Pops in preparation for church the next day. I miss Bruce and Matt asking me to make a TCT or a chicken ranch wrap because I "make them the best," when really they just didn't want to have to do it themselves...ha ha. I miss watching all my brothers wrestle in the front room, each one thinking they were so tough, and then watching my dad step in and kick everyone's trash :) I miss the trash talk whenever a sporting event was about to commence. I miss family vacations. I miss Joel's corny jokes and his "big brother" protective instincts even when it was my other brothers who were teasing me. I miss watching Pocahontas with Bruce. I miss Dan teaching me how to break a guy's arm just in case I ever got attacked :) I miss playing catch with Matt in the backyard or having him try to teach me the correct way to shoot a basketball over and over again. I miss listening to music with him and talking about his latest embarrassing moment on his date with Brooke. Heck, I even miss not being able to get a word in at the dinner table because of all the sports talk!
Each member of my family represents blessing #4 for me tonight. My family is incredible! My brothers are all so amazing and I look up to each one of them for a million different reasons. I can't express how much joy my parents and brothers bring to my life. It is so great to know that even when I feel lonely at times, I can feel a sense of love, acceptance, and belonging when in the company of my family. I look forward to the day when I have a family of my own here on this earth as well. It's sometimes hard to be single when you long for the blessings that come with a spouse and children, especially when you see the happiness that such a situation brings to immediate family members. Until that blessing arrives for me though, I will find happiness in being a part of each of my family member's lives. I'm so grateful that Heavenly Father provided us with families here upon the earth. I find so much comfort as I think about the doctrine of eternal families....for those that I love so deeply in this life will forever be mine.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Blessing #3
Reason: I found out on Sunday that orange Starbursts are my nephew's favorite flavor and this thought brought a smile to my face. His primary teacher brought each child in his class three of the fun size Starburst packages. My nephew wanted to eat them right away, but we were headed to the airport so his parents asked him to wait til they got home. I decided, however, to take on the "favorite aunt" role so once he asked me, I opened a package for him and hid the wrappers in my purse. Sorry Becky...sometimes he asks questions way too sweetly for me to say no :)
Anyway, this story is really only part of blessing #3. I would count my whole experience in San Antonio as a blessing. I had the opportunity to watch my nieces and nephew while my sister-in-law attended my brother's JAG training graduation in Alabama. It was a sweet experience. I gained a much greater appreciation for all the mothers out there...watching 3 kids was hard work even for just 3 days, but boy, it was so rewarding at the same time! I had a blast and the kids were so sweet. One night, they took turns complimenting my cooking, my pony tail, my shirt, my "skirt" (basketball shorts), and even my talking voice...ha ha. I had no idea where it all came from and I definitely looked like a slob, but hey, who would complain? :) All of the random hugs and "I love you Aunt Kaitlyn"'s were enough for me to counter any tantrum or fight that broke out. So I just want to give a shout out to those cute kids in San Antonio and tell them thanks for all the fun! I miss you kiddos! Same goes to all my other nieces and nephews in Utah. I am a better and happier person because I have all of you in my life!
Andrew, Emma, and Olivia
James and Jenna
Hunter
Luke and Lila
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