Blessing #18

Time.

While on a walk the other night, one of my favorite instrumental songs, "Time" (from the Inception soundtrack), began to play on my iPod. Time has been on my mind a great deal recently and as I walked around my neighborhood, I began to really contemplate the concept of time. I feel most would agree that time can be considered both a blessing and a curse depending on the circumstances that may be occurring at any given point in our lives. While in wait for something desirable, one would likely say that time isn't anything but agonizing. Think of the poor children in the marshmallow experiment President Uchtdorf referenced in a past talk, for instance (watch here). Conversely, however, how often do we beg for more time in a day? I think I do that every day...ha ha. We don't want to wait for things, yet we also seldom feel we have enough time to accomplish everything we'd like to accomplish. Why is this? Why can't we find contentment in time? 

Elder Neal A. Maxwell addressed this very conundrum in a book I've been reading lately. He wrote, "Time is clearly not our natural dimension. Thus it is that we are never really at home in time. Alternately, we find ourselves wishing to hasten the passage of time or to hold back the dawn. We can do neither, of course, but whereas the fish is at home in water, we are clearly not at home in time—because we belong to eternity. Time, as much as any one thing, whispers to us that we are strangers here." 

Let me just reiterate, "Time is clearly not our natural dimension." I honestly don't feel I have really deeply considered this before. Time is temporal, not spiritual. This is what allows God to be omniscient and omnipresent. The past, present, and future are not separate before God. Now, although I may not be at home in time, it's also extremely difficult to comprehend living in a world without time. I don't even know what that would look like. Everything in my life revolves around time. Time tells me when I should wake up in the morning, when I should be at work, when I should leave work, when the weekend is near, when my birthday will arrive, when I will need an oil change, when my milk will go bad...you get the idea. I even spend a good portion of my workday teaching kids the concepts of past, present, and future. What would life be like if time was not a part of the package? I really can't comprehend it. 

This led me to wonder though, if time is not our natural dimension, why must we live in a world that is so dependent on time? As I've considered and studied this, I've started to realize that time is a blessing I probably too often overlook. I read a book a while back by C.S. Lewis called The Great Divorce. If you've read anything by C.S. Lewis, you'll know it was a pretty thought-provoking read. But I remembered that near the end of the book, the concept of time was addressed very directly. I'd like to share a quote from that book below: 

"Time is the very lens through which ye see—small and clear, as men see through the wrong end of a telescope—something that would otherwise be too big for ye to see at all. That thing is Freedom: the gift whereby ye most resemble your Maker and are yourselves parts of eternal reality....For every attempt to see the shape of eternity except through the lens of Time destroys your knowledge of Freedom." 

Now Mormon lingo would substitute "agency" for "freedom" in that quote. Our knowledge of agency would be destroyed if time did not exist. Why is this? Well, if we already knew the end from the beginning, we wouldn't feel we'd been given the opportunity to make choices at all. A choice in and of itself is making a decision without knowing the outcome or consequences of that decision. So if we didn't feel we were actually the ones making the decisions, in Elder Bednar's words, we would feel as if we were "objects" rather than "agents". This is why I think it's tempting for us to blame God at times for our circumstances. We know God is all-knowing. We know he knows what will happen in the future. So why doesn't he protect us from the things that go wrong in our lives? Or why doesn't he give us desired blessings when we ask for them? He is the one in control. ....Right? 

If you're like me, you've asked those questions or similar questions on occasion and if you're also like me, you've just had an epiphany. God is not in control of my life or yours. It's true that he knows what will happen in our lives, but we are ultimately in control of our own destinies, both temporally and spiritually, because we are the ones making the decisions. And while this can be an overwhelming responsibility at times, agency is the very thing that allows us to progress and be like God. He isn't in control of our lives; we are. Yes, things happen to us that we may feel are unfair, but this also means God does not cause those things to happen. The agency of others may be to blame. The natural elements may be to blame. But not God. God gives us control over our choices, as well as control over our reactions to our circumstances...and he is able to do this because of the "lens" of time. 

This knowledge should allow us to see God as a merciful Father in Heaven who supplies us with tools for our success (e.g. commandments, scriptures, patriarchal blessings, prophets, etc.), but also provides a way to return to him even after we make mistakes (i.e. the Atonement). The knowledge that God is that merciful Father in Heaven should also increase our faith. While we may not know what will happen in the future (and we don't want to because we want to be agents), our Father does. And as long as we are doing our very best with what we've been given, we will be blessed; if not in this world, then in the world to come. 

Time is a blessing. It's a gift. Not only does it provide a means for agency to exist, but it also leads to the development of Godlike attributes. Time is what creates opportunities to develop humility, trust, patience, our talents, obedience, charity, love, diligence, intelligence, wisdom, etc. Without time, how could we ever hope to become like God? While it's easy to feel dissatisfied with the endless, yet transient nature of time, I'm grateful for this supernal gift as it is time itself (and what I choose to do with it) that will shape my eternal destiny.

Blessing #17

"Miss A, is God real?"

This question was asked of me by a first grade boy during the final week of school in May. It was actually said more like, "Miss A, is Dod real?" as he substitutes the /d/ sound for the /g/ sound...it's called "fronting" if you're interested in the speech therapy term for the error. But anyway, I digress.... :) This moment came to my mind repeatedly today while at church and I sat pondering this sweet boy's thoughtful and sincere inquiry during most of Relief Society. Working in a public school, I am obviously not supposed to mix my religion with my work so I quickly answered his question in a way I thought would be appropriate and tried to change the subject, "I believe God is real, but I think you should ask your mom that same question. Let's start working on our speech sounds." 

As I was reminded of that somewhat uncomfortable moment today, I couldn't help but hope that he did ask his mom and that he did find an answer that relieved any distress he felt about such a serious and controversial subject. As it was Father's Day today, I was feeling an immense sense of gratitude not only for my earthly father, but also for my Heavenly Father...who is God...and who I definitely believe is real. Many of my students don't have fathers in their homes. And not everyone has an earthly father that they love or admire. I hope and pray that anyone seeking such a father will find their way to that perfect, heavenly being who is our Father in Heaven. 

Fathers represent blessing #17 for me tonight. Fathers come in all forms. There are many men in my life that I admire. My earthly father has been the ultimate example though. He has been my rock in every way. He is a perfect example of someone who honors his priesthood. He is kind and always beyond willing to serve those around him. He wants to please others before himself and while that's frustrating for me at times (like when I want to eat at a restaurant HE chooses and he won't tell me where he wants to eat because he wants to eat where I want to eat), it is a quality I certainly admire. :) 

My dad is a strength to me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. He has provided for my needs, competed with me in basketball, scraped my windshield on snowy mornings, talked me through my emotional/girly moments, and has taught me not to dwell on things I can't control. He has studied the gospel all his life through personal study and through his career and I see his testimony in the way he lives his life, which has inspired me to gain a testimony of my own. How grateful I am for the stability and safety I have experienced in my life due to this great man. As James E. Faust stated, "Noble fatherhood gives us a glimpse of the divine attributes of our Father in Heaven." Happy Father's Day to just one example of such a father!

Blessing #16

So...remember how I used to blog and count my blessings? Yeah, me too. I think I'll blame my graduate program for the demise of my blog. I never knew it would end up ruling my life the way that it did. Those two years were quite literally the hardest two years of my life and, unlike the common mission phrase, I don't know that I'd also consider them the best :) But...they did get me to where I am today, which is a good thing. I'm currently working as a speech-language pathologist at an elementary school. It's without a doubt the most challenging and demanding job of any I've occupied thus far, but I really, REALLY love working with my students. In fact, they are the reason I'm blogging today.

I've always planned to work with kids in a career. Growing up, I don't remember ever wanting to be anything other than a teacher. When I went to college, I started to question that decision though and looked into some other fields. I ended up graduating with my undergrad in Social Work, but I remember talking to my mom the week before graduation about whether or not I should actually pursue a second degree in teaching right away. I did eventually pursue that degree, but in the process decided I would prefer to go the speech therapy route. Overall, I've been happy with my decision. Like I said, my job is often hard and stressful; however, there are moments each day when I realize it's all not only worth it, but I'd also probably be bored if I had it any other way. For example, last week I had the following conversation with two third graders:

Student #1: "Did you take your kids to Disneyland with you when you went there?" (My room is Disney themed.)

Me: "No, I don't have any kids yet."

Student #2: "Do you have a husband?"

Me: "No, not yet."

Student #1: "So you live alone?"

Me: "No, I actually live with some friends. They're called roommates."

Student #1: "You should adopt some kids."

Me: "Umm...okay. Can I adopt you?"

Student #1: Look of confusion..."No. You're supposed to adopt kids that don't have families."

Student #2: "Why don't you have a husband?"

Me: .....

Student #2: "You should try online dating."

Me: .....

Student #2: "Do you have a boyfriend?"

Me: "You mean am I dating someone?"

Student #2: "No, do you have friends that are boys?!"

Me: "Yes, I have friends who are boys."

Student #2: "Then date them!!"

I'm not going to lie, Student #2 was frustrated in his final remarks. Apparently, we adults just aren't logical enough for him :) I sure wish it were that easy, kid! Even though this conversation felt slightly like an interrogation, I couldn't help but laugh. I was having a bit of a rough day and it was just what I needed. Whenever I start to take life too seriously, my kiddos remind me not to.

The scriptures teach us that except we “become as little children” we shall not enter the kingdom of heaven. As I’ve pondered why this is, I’ve considered the qualities that children possess. They are eager to learn. They are obedient (for the most part). :) They are innocent and pure. They are curious. They are full of faith and trust. They find joy in the small things. They want to please others. They are playful and experience each moment in life to the fullest. They are quick to forgive. They express their love often. They are humble. They are teachable. They are compassionate.

I could go on and on talking about childlike qualities, but I think it’s obvious why we are to become as little children. They have the characteristics required to reside with our Father in Heaven. The part that is not always so obvious to me as an adult though, is that we would just plain be happier here on earth if we became more like them. As I said before, I was having a hard day prior to the conversation with my kiddos mentioned above and taking on the perspective of a third grader changed the whole dynamic of my day. I am so grateful for the example of little children and want to end with a quote by Jean A. Stevens that expresses exactly how I feel:

“Have some of life’s experiences taken from you the believing heart and childlike faith you once had? If so, look around at the children in your life. And then look again. If we have a heart to learn and a willingness to follow the example of children, their divine attributes can hold a key to unlocking our own spiritual growth.”

Blessing #15

The Sixth Sense

"I see dead people." Who could forget the first time they heard this chilling confession from Cole Sear to his supposed psychologist, Malcolm Crowe, in M. Night Shyamalan's big hit? It may be odd, but these famous words entered my mind just a few days ago as I sat on a train bound for Salt Lake City. "Why?" you ask. Let me explain. What do you see in the following picture?

If you've seen Pursuit of Happyness, you know that the man depicted in this photo is Chris Gardner, a father who has literally been beaten down by circumstances in life that seem outside of his control. I observed several, similarly haggard expressions in the faces of those individuals surrounding me on the aforementioned train ride and couldn't help but think, "I see dead people." I'd even be tempted to add, "They're everywhere. They only see what they want to see. They don't know they're dead."

By now, you know of course, I’m not referring to "dead" in the literal sense of the word, but more so in a figurative sense. I'm not exempt from my own analogy either. As it was New Year's Eve that day, I had been reflecting on events that took place in 2011 and was preparing to write a particularly catchy country song :) My year in review? My best friend moved away, I moved back in with my parental units for the first time since high school, I returned to school and experienced the stress of accruing large amounts of debt for the first time, my car broke down during the very first week of school which led to an unexpected and expensive repair, my dog died, and...I got dumped, like twice...by the same guy :) Basically, 2011 wasn't my favorite year and I'm pretty sure my own facial expression didn't exactly offset the ambiance that had been created by my fellow passengers. As I scoured the faces of the people on the train that day and thought about my own experiences, I understood Cole Sear's words in a new way. Sometimes we only see what we want to see in life and refuse to acknowledge the moments that could bring us so much joy if we would only open our eyes. 

Chris Gardner says the following at one point in Pursuit of Happyness, "It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what. How did he know that?"

I think it's safe to say that we are all pursuing happiness in some way; however, it seems we will always be stuck in that pursuit if we don't find a way to be happy now...no matter what the circumstance. I've written about this in previous posts and I'm sure I'll be writing about it again at some point, but this experience made it apparent, once again, how important it is to choose to be happy now. President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "It is not so much the major events as the small day-to-day decisions that map the course of our living." While addressing the same topic, President Uchtdorf stated, "So often we get caught up in the illusion that there is something just beyond our reach that would bring us happiness: a better family situation, a better financial situation, or the end of a challenging trial. The older we get, the more we look back and realize that external circumstances don’t really matter or determine our happiness. We do matter. We determine our happiness. You and I are ultimately in charge of our own happiness." How grateful I am for my blessings, whether obvious or obscure, and for the opportunity I have to choose each day to be happy now.

Blessing #14

Regional conference :)

I attended my stake's regional conference a few weeks ago and had the opportunity to hear from Elder Bednar. His talk was powerful and made my head hurt a little bit because there was so much to think about :) I have thought about it several times since then. It was one of those talks that just inspires you to make real changes in your life.

Elder Bednar spoke of testimony, conversion, and the character of Christ. In his talk, he explained that testimony is something that comes as we study and pray about gospel truths. Conversion, he said, then grows out of testimony as we consistently follow what we know to be true. Following these explanations, he inserted the principles of testimony and conversion into the parable of the ten virgins, calling their lamps the lamps of testimony, and the oil, the oil of conversion. He explained that the oil cannot be shared during moments of trial and adversity, but comes drop by drop as we study the gospel. Conversion must be obtained and cannot be given from person to person. He expressed that every member of the church has some form of testimony, but it is apparent that not all are converted.

Elder Bednar then stated that one cannot be converted until he/she knows some basic things about the character of Christ for "except for the character of Christ, there would have been no atonement." He shared several examples from the scriptures that are representative of Christ's character. In each instance, and always in times of personal trial and adversity, Christ turned outward when the natural man or woman would have the tendency to turn inward. He sent an angel to John who had been sent to prison even though Jesus, himself, had just faced enormous personal hardship, he healed the guard's ear in the midst of his own betrayal, and even on the cross, he pleaded with the Father to "forgive them, for they know not what they do."

As Elder Bednar spoke, it became evident that a truly converted individual is one who follows the example of Christ and turns outward rather than inward...at all times. I've reflected on this often over the past few weeks. It seems logical that our actions would indicate our level of conversion to the gospel and it made me consider my own actions. Do I turn outward rather than inward during times of trial? Probably not as often as I should. I'm grateful for the message that Elder Bednar shared. It reminded me of a quote given in a talk by President Gordon B. Hinckley:

"If the pressures of school are too heavy, if you complain about your housing and the food you eat, I can suggest a cure for your problems. Lay your books aside for a few hours, leave your room, and go visit someone who is old and lonely. Or visit those who are sick and discouraged; there are hundreds of that kind...who need the kind of encouragement you could give. If you are complaining about life, it is because you are thinking only of yourself. There was for many years a sign on the wall of a shoe repair shop I patronized. It read, 'I complained because I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet.' The most effective medicine for the sickness of self-pity is to lose oneself in the service of others."

I feel like it's pretty easy to get caught up in selfishness and self-pity as a young single adult, as you mainly only have yourself to think about. As I considered both of these messages, it was made clear to me that the real cure for the sickness of self-pity is conversion...true conversion. Such conversion leads to outward acts which represent an inward commitment to live the gospel as a disciple of Jesus Christ. I am again so grateful for this powerful message and hope that as I continue to study and ponder the scriptures, I will develop those Christlike attributes that lead one to turn outward when the natural man would yearn to turn inward.

Blessing #13

....a simple candy bar :)

I went to the Relief Society broadcast this weekend and I absolutely loved President Uchtdorf's talk. When does one not love his talks though, really? ha ha. He made an analogy about the Forget-me-not flower and compared its petals to five things we should never forget in our own lives. The five "forget-me-nots" were:

1) Forget not to be patient with yourself
2) Forget not the difference between a good sacrifice and a bad sacrifice
3) Forget not to be happy now
4) Forget not the "why" of the gospel
5) Forget not that the Lord loves you

I would love to write about the entire talk (trust me, it was that good), but it's better in his own words so go check it out if you haven't heard it yet.

What I will talk about is one point that really hit me hard at this time in my life. It's something you hear often, but President Uchtdorf put the point into a new light. It was his third forget-me-not: forget not to be happy now. Now I don't really see myself as an unhappy person; I usually have a pretty healthy and optimistic attitude on life, but where he really got me thinking was in his comparison to the "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" story. He quoted a part from the book where the public is alerted that five golden tickets were dispersed in Wonka candy bars. With the news, people spent their time searching for the tickets and quickly forgot the enjoyment they used to find in eating a simple candy bar.

He then talked about the idea that we each have our own "golden tickets" in life. We often think we will be happy and satisfied when a certain event takes place, and as we wait for such an event, we miss the simple moments in life that could bring us the joy we desire if we would only recognize their significance. He talked about a single woman who wanted to be married and to raise a family more than anything else. That dream was never realized though and she quickly became bitter and lonely. No one wanted to be around her because of her attitude and perspective on life. I've been around people like this myself (and have even been this woman on occasion) and I think most would agree, such people can be rather draining. The example of this woman makes me want to be more cognizant of my own attitudes and actions. She was a teacher, but found no enjoyment in her career. I find this attitude to be truly tragic as she had the unique opportunity to make a profound difference in the life of each child she encountered. Uchtdorf reminded the women to discover the beauty of the everyday moments as those that do so are they who are truly happy.

This message reminded me, once again, of the opportunities I have been blessed with. Years ago, I never would have guessed my life would be what it is today, but more and more, I realize that's okay. I'm currently in a program that will give me the opportunity to bless the lives of others. I have already experienced this in my apprenticeship as I work with a little girl. I look at her and think of her future and the impact my training could have on her life...the confidence it could give her...and it makes me so much more appreciative and dedicated to the work I will be required to put into my program. It will all be worth it in the end. I want to find joy in my personal journey here on this earth...through the good and the bad...and I want to instill such joy in others through loving service. We are, quite literally, either the creators or the destroyers of our own happiness so let's "forget not to be happy now."

Blessing #12

Sadie.

My dog died very suddenly this week and it was really quite hard for me. I haven't had to deal with death much in my life. My grandpa died a few years ago and I remember gaining a stronger testimony of eternal families during that time. I hadn't really given the doctrine of eternal families much thought up to that point...I mean, I had grown up learning I would have an eternal family and was so grateful for that, but when my grandpa died, I really searched the doctrine further and was incredibly grateful for the peace it brought into my life during that difficult time. I loved him so much.

I felt that same pain again this week as I held my dog for the last time. It probably sounds silly to those who have not owned a dog before, but she was literally a part of my family and a part of me. She was always such a blessing to me. When I was home alone, I felt safe knowing she was there with me. When I needed to talk, yes, I would talk to my dog...and she would always just sit there next to me and listen. When I came home for the weekends in my Provo years, she would run around the house excitedly and she would literally give me a hug. She made me feel so special. My dog was my good friend. My house seems so quiet without her now and I know I will continue to miss her presence in my life.

The night after we lost her, I decided to watch Marley and Me. I know, I was just asking for more tears right? :) It was so good though to watch such a tender story about a family and their love for their dog. In the end of that movie, a certain quote always gets me. The main character in the story, John Grogan, says: "A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if you're rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?"

I have always loved that quote. The words are said as he is watching his family through the window and I find the scene so touching. Our families are truly the ones who can bless our lives in such a way...they can make us feel extraordinary. I know that is true because I have experienced that in my own family. I am truly grateful for them and am incredibly grateful for the time I had with my dog. She made my family complete and I will remember her always :)